apa yang aku pikirkan, apa yang aku rasakan

Senin, 08 November 2010

Amaze.. how humans heart can take the pain

Eat Pray Love

-Elizabeth Gilbert-

“ I took on my depression like it was the fight of my own life, which , of course, it was. I became a student of my own depressed experience, trying to unthread its causes. What was the root of all this despair? Was it psychological? (Mom and Dad’s fault?) Was it just temporal, a “bad time” in my life? (When the divorce ends, will the depression end with it) Was it genetic? (melancholy, called by many names, has run through my family for generations, along with its sad bride, Alcoholism.) Was it cultural? (is this just the fallout of postfeminism American career girl trying to find balance in an increasingly stressfull and alienating urban world?) Was it astrological? (Am I so sad because I’m a thin skinned cancer whose major signs are all ruled by unstable Gemini?) Was it artistic? (Don’t creative people always suffer from depression because we’re so supersensitive and special?) Was it evolutionary? (Do I carry in me the residual panic that comes after millennia of my species’ attempting to survive a brutal world?) Was it karmic? (Are all these spasms of grief just the consequences before liberation?) Was it hormonal ? Dietary? Philosophical? Seasonal? Environmental? Was I tapping into a universal yearning for God? Did I have a chemical imbalance? Or did I just need to get laid. “

So this is my favorite paragraph in Liz book.. when his having a mental breakdown facing her divorced and after that she had to except the reality her boyfriend left her. Somehow or some point i know how it felt and how is it like. For me when Giant left me it felt like someone is tearing my brand new dress and all it's left it's just a beautiful mess.

I read it again and again till i get sleep at the other night, and until now i still amaze how humans heart can take the pain. I dont know why i like those writing of Liz... am i having S.A.D or did i always have a tendency toward melancholic.

A pastor said that we must be smart to read our lives, the most important to know what God's purpose in our lives, sometimes He allows us to experience sadness for something beautiful behind it.

Be smart to know that what's we've been through untill now, bad or good is because of our decision before .. Reap what we sow. There is a price for everything. Now, I paid my decision back then .. i guess it is karmic, just to remind me how bitch am i before. All i have to do is just to get deal with it.

Rabu, 03 November 2010

Proper Goodbye


Terkadang adalah lebih baik menghindari orang yang kita cintai , bukan karena berhenti mencintainya . Namun karena melindungi diri dari rasa sakit .

Pertemuan dengan Giant beberapa hari yang lalu adalah hal yang paling awkward dirasa oleh Carrie. Beberapa hari yang lalu, all of the sudden Giant called to carrie's cell phone and ask carrie to have lunch together . Sejak perpisahan dengan giant beberapa bulan lalu , semenjak itu pun berkali-kali carrie sudah menetapkan hati untuk tidak bertemu Giant lagi. Namun ternyata masih seperti dulu , kali ini carrie masih luluh dengan setiap permintaannya .

Handphone carrie berbunyi...

Carrie : " Hallo ... ?"

Giant : " Heiii ... kamu lagi makan siang ya ?"

Carrie : " iya ... * Nahan emosi *"

Giant : "Oooh .. aku mau ajak kamu makan siang . Tadinya mau telp kamu dulu sebelum jam makan siang , tapi ternyata orang yang aku temuin lama banget , jadi baru jam segini deh telfonnya."

Carrie : "Oooh...." * tetep nahan emosi suara *

Giant : " Oke deh , kapan-kapan aja kalo gitu."

Carrie : " Oke ..." * Heran dengan dirinya sendiri bisa menahan emosi dan tetap tenang*

Telfon ditutup .

Untuk beberapa saat carrie terpaku , amaze dengan dirinya sendiri yang bisa bersikap tenaang di depan giant. Kemudian dia melanjutkan makan siang dan berusaha tidak memikirkan pembicaraan tadi walau tiba2 timbul perasaan aneh di hatinya.10 menit kemudian , bbm carrie berbunyi. Ternyata Giant.

Giant : "Makan bebek yuuk .. :D"

Carrie : " Aku temenin aja . aku sudah makan."

Giant : " Oke , aku jemput kamu ya."

Carrie : " Oke ."

Hatinya luluh .. pertahanan dirinya runtuh. carrie tidak bisa berbohong pada dirinya sendiri bahwa ia menantikan pertemuan dengan Giant.

Pertemuan berlangsung dengan singkat , kikuk dan aneh. Setelah ngobrol dengan pertanyaan yang basa basi dan tanpa saling menatap wajah satu sama lain. Tiba tiba sampailah di percakapan yang menurut carrie adalah pembicaran yang paling menegangkan baginya.

Giant : " Pacar kamu siapa sekarang ?"

Carrie : "Gak ada ... " * berusaha biasa aja *

Carrie : Kamu , masih dengannya ... ??

Giant : " Masih ...* giant menjawab pelan *. Tapi sudah gak intens lagi koq."

* Kampreeetttt !!! hampir saja carrie berteriak. Dia sangat berusaha keras menahan emosi walaupun pertahanan dirinya runtuh seketika mengetahui giant masih dengan wanita itu.*.

Carrie : " Kapan kamu terakhir ketemu dia? " * tetap tenang bertanya karena dirinya penasaran sekaligus ingin tahu *

Giant : "Gak inget. Udah lama banget ."

Carrie tahu bahwa giant membohonginya, entah untuk menjaga perasaannya atau menghindari pertanyaan selanjutnya darinya. Tapi buat carrie itu sudah cukup. Mengetahui giant masih bersamanya maka tidak perlu lagi ada yang dibahas . Pada saat mereka hendak berpisah turun dari mobil , bagi carrie ini adalah puncak percakapan yang paling tidak nyaman dalam keseluruhan pertemuan mereka hari itu.

Giant : " Makasih sudah mau nemenin makan ..."

Masih tidak ingin melihat wajah giant carrie menjawab.

Carrie : " iya.."

Kemudian carrie dengan tergesa-gesa membuka pintu mobil dan berjalan secepatnya meninggalkan giant , tanpa menengok ke belakang dan langsung menuju toilet . Di dalam toilet carrie menangis sejadi-jadinya.

That moment she knew it, she couldn't helped saw his eyes because it hurt to know that when she l looked in his eyes.. she can't see her reflection in it . There's somebodies shadows in it. And she just could not bare that feeling anymore.

5 menit kemudian tiba-tiba bbm carrie berbunyi lagi dan ternyata itu adalah pesan dari giant. Isinya berbunyi :

" Terimakasih sudah menemani makan siang ya.. "

Carrie didn't reply. Somehow she knew, at that point she had to turn her back against giant. And stopped watch his back anymore.That moment she knew.. its better to stay away from her own ghost , not because she stop loving him. But to protect herself from the pain. Even though it doesnt stopped her for being haunted.

That moment she knew this has to be their last meeting. it's killing her ended this way, because deep down inside she still wish they have a perfect moment to say goodbye .

A simple last hug.. A simple last kiss.. warm, tender and memorize.


" dear baby giant .. until now i never had a proper goodbye from you . "


I miss you giant...


Anata ga koishii desu ..
Anataga inakute sabishii..

Anata ga koishii ...
Anata wo zutto mayyrimasu...

Koishigaru...

anata ga natsukashii desu...

sabishii...

aitai.... ^.^




Dear Giant.. i miss you, i miss your smile , and i still shed a tears every once in a while. Even though it's different now but deep down inside your still there somehow.

I know you in a better place right now but still... I miss you a little. A little too much, a little too often, and a little more each day.












i'm going to miss you when you go - in to the wild (2007) -